A thought occurred to me last night. It’s one of those things that does happen sometimes, and flipping annoying when you realise its an “Important Thought”.
We often refer to ourselves as having layers like onions. And that peeling away layers reveals the real “us” beneath. And the implication is – that peeling away layers is a good thing. (Which it is). And thereby the inverse is also true, that putting layers on is a bad thing?
No. In a word.
Last night I was aware of a newly formed layer that has grown for me. It’s about 7 and a half months in the growing at present. Its the onion layer of “Mum-dom”. The primary processes in my brain have been given over to seemingly thinking about nothing but nappies, washing, feeding, playing, teaching, laughing with Pipsqueak. Its very easy for people who are close to you, (Partners, friends, and other family members without kids) to think “She’s changed since she had the baby”.
I found myself getting upset with this yesterday – I felt like jumping up and down in a strop and shouting “I’m still in here!!! Please look – no… REALLY look!”. Full on Temper tantrum styley.
I can’t take this layer off, having looked at my Mum and my Sister though, I can see some of the dynamic to this “Mum-dom” layer. It’s the opposite to an onion. Slice through an onion, and at the innermost part – is where the nice chunky juicy layers are, and going out, the layers get thinner (but tougher). This newly formed layer for me is right on the outside, and feels very thick and juicy, but is also very tough. Seeing my Mum and Sister, that Mum layer is still present, but it changes as you and your baby grow. Like cutting the apron strings – the layer/apron is ALWAYS there ready to wipe a sticky or tear beridden face or mucky hands on. But as time goes on – it changes and morphs. Once I get to having a child of 5, 8, 10, 16, 21, years old, I’ll have more of an idea of just how it changes.
If you knew me before Pipsqueak arrived – I am still here. I am still me. I still have that pixieish sense of humour and whilst my giggle may have been toned down a bit, it is still here. All is at the moment being filtered through the “Baby-dealing-with-processing-unit” (hereafter referred to as the BDWPU).
My partner looks at me and see’s heaven only know what. I seem to have grown a second body that is more often than not attached to my arm, shoulder or boob (interesting Picasso style imagery there), and he feels he can’t have a “proper conversation” with me one with one hand changing a nappy and the other arm rescuing panda from down the back of the sofa. See me with the layer of BDWPU overlayed on my previous self, and you will see – Honey, I am still here. And I love you. And I thank you.
To those of you who may be a bit intimidated by the fact that I have pushed something the size of a small melon through an even smaller hole – we can all do things that seem impossible, improbable and downright ouchey. Setting ourselves challenges is all part of our daily lives. Whether that’s walking, running or cycling the Three Peak Challenge, getting to work on time, changing a habit, creating a habit… or actually just getting through the day getting oneself and ones baby dressed – they can all be challenging.
Sometimes though, going back to basics and recognising each other for the energy centres that we are, rather than the layers we wear is the biggest challenge of all.
Namaste. Namesca. Peace.
“I see you”