A year ago just now, my waters went. (Just after 1 am, 31st March 2016).
30 minutes of indecision… and then the contractions started. This time around though they felt like I’d been told contractions should have felt. And pressure on my lower back this time felt amazing.
Yet again though, there was no gentle induction into the birthing process. No 30 minute gaps between contractions to get used to the idea. No, this was hard, and fast.
Every 2-3 minutes right from the get-go. “I’m calling the midwives, this kids’ coming faster than a freight train”, were the words of my OH.
I grumbled back at him whilst hanging on for dear life on the corner of the piano. That bit is now very, very shiny…. and I smile each time my hand rests on it during music lessons.
At some point I remember thinking “its a new dawn, a new day” and then a song got stuck in my head. I didn’t have my mp3 birthing hypnosis tracks on this time, or if they did go on I was stuck listening to this song go around and round.
Birds flyin’ high, you know how I feel
Sun in the sky, you know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by, you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me.
Yeah, it’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me, ooooooooh…
And I’m feelin’ good.Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin’ free, you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree, you know how I feel
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me,
And I’m feelin’ goodDragonfly out in the sun, you know what I mean, don’t you know,
Butterflies all havin’ fun, you know what I mean.
Sleep in peace when day is done: that’s what I mean,
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me…Stars when you shine, you know how I feel
Scent of the pine, you know how I feel
Yeah, freedom is mine, and I know how I feel..
It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for meAnd I’m feelin’… good.
This is now his song!
The midwives I remember seemed very reluctant to come out to another homebirth. It seemed that every excuse was given… the computer wasn’t working so they couldn’t get my details… then when they did – they saw I was consultant led – so wanted me to come in. At this point I growled down the phone that the consultant had signed me off for a home birth if it happened before the next appointment – which it was – wasn’t it?!
I remember within 10 minutes the first midwife was here.
Mum arrived to take the Eldest Little One to her house, I wish I’d held her longer at that point. She looked so small on my Mum’s shoulder. So little. I didn’t know how much she would “grow” by having her little brother arrive. My baby, becoming my big girl. One of those moments where I wish I could stop time.
Shortly after I was in the pool. My sister arrived. Time passed…. Midwives kept my OH busy by asking for this, that and the other.
Gas and air this time worked. I didn’t resort to singing as some have reported, but I do remember floating off somewhere. The sensations still felt REALLY intense, but my head was off in the clouds. I didn’t really care…
“Fish in the sea you know how I feel….”
The feeling of “I can’t do this” but I remember this time I said to my sister “It feels like I can’t do this” and that feeling started to feel like it would take over. But I remembered, this feeling last time, and this time remembering this is what happens. He’s on his way. He’s coming now, just a few more moments. My OH swooped in from whatever treasure hunt missive he was on at the time to say exactly the words I’d asked him to say to me at this point- and for that I’ll love him forever. He said it word for word as I’d asked. I didn’t need the words, I’d remembered this time – but it was more important that he say them – if that makes sense?
A shout “Zoe – DON’T push!” Midwife 1 was getting ready to jump in the pool at this point.
Panic set in… all I wanted was to push and meet the little guy. I got lost in the instruction too – DON’T push – all I could now think about was bloody pushing!
“What the FUCK do I do then?!” (Sorry Mum, I swore…. but I think it was warranted..)
Silence for an eternity that was probably all of half a second…. I’m waiting…. and holding my breath…
“Pant!” Of course… pant…. why didn’t I think of that… panting…. and my body took over. No pain. No straining, no pushing, and his head arrived into the water.
Then a pause. Another eternity whilst my body and my baby got ready for the final surge. That final feeling still makes me cry. Cry with joy at his arrival. Cry with feeling this little Being transition from inside me, to the outside world. Cry at feeling empty. Cry with feeling my arms full, and my heart – overflowing. Like my eyes. It’s the strangest sensation in the world, kind of like lumpy, a sensation of no longer pushing by my body, but gravity pulling into the world. I hope I never forget it.
And he was here. 7lb 8oz.
Under 4 hours. It’s the only time I’ve ever done something even remotely “on time”. One day past his “Due date”. But Oh boy was he keen to get here!
Hello Little One.
